Here's to Trusting - a post from Mama

2017

Another year come and gone. Everywhere I look on social media it is recaps of everyone’s years. What a recap mine would be, the very best and hardest year I have ever lived. 2012 was pretty great marrying my best friend but now in 2016, having a child with that best friend may have trumped that. It was such a fun year. Starting the year out deciding this was the year we would start trying to have a family to 3/31 at 5:37pm finding out we were going to be parents. And what an exciting 20 weeks it was. Seeing her ultrasound for the first time, telling our families we were expecting, telling our friends and coworkers, taking her on dates and reading to her and talking with her. We were beyond happy and excited to start our family!

Then the hard part of 2016 came in. At 20 weeks finding out our daughter may not survive and our family would look different than we ever thought. Then a couple weeks later finding out she was very sick with a genetic disorder that would take her life, if not for a miracle. I remember countless tears for the hopes and dreams we had began dreaming for her the last 20 weeks. But I also remember the decision to enjoy every second we had with her and to cherish her every day. Oh yea, and right around that time finding out it was a her and we were going to have a daughter.  

Man the good times we had in the midst of this pain. Taking her to Nashville, to Chicago, to the zoo twice, to the lake, to concerts and mini golf, to dinner and a movie, reading to her every night and telling her about Jesus, reading her stories and singing to her. I will never forget a moment of being pregnant for the first time and experiencing all those moments with her daddy.

Then came November 14, which would begin the best and worst week of our lives. Finding out we truly were in labor and that she had decided she would come early. Going through that and the next day and getting to meet our little girl and God truly giving us a miracle. Yes he did not save her life but he did give her life for 45 minutes and we got to meet her and see her eyes and hear her voice and tell her how much we love her. And little Faith Margaret had the best life imaginable. She was with us, not crying or in any pain, for just a moment and then she went straight to the waiting arms of her savior. She got to see the two people in this world that love her more than anything and got to meet the two people who she had heard for the last 9 months. And then she went straight to heaven, where I am sure some super cool people were waiting for her. And so that became the best and worst day of our lives. The day we got to meet our daughter but also the day we had to say good bye.

The month that followed and the end of 2016 somehow figuring out how to live without her and to live in our new reality. We are now parents but with no children here on earth to look after. We are now parents that have been chosen to walk this path and tell her story. We are now parents of a little girl that we pray will forever continue to change this world and to touch other people. God has chosen us, for some reason or other, to be her voice. I will never stop telling her story and telling others of the God who created her, who doesn’t make mistakes and who loves and cares for His people, just the way he loves and cares for my daughter. I will never stop proclaiming His name as the only way I could have possibly survived 2016.

There were many days I did not feel like I would survive this year and many days I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. There were days I did not want to open my eyes, knowing the pain that would follow. There were days that I didn’t want to get out of bed and see the empty nursery, hear the quiet house, and know I had nothing to do that day even though I was a new mom. Being a mom is the best job ever but I thought 2016 would mean becoming a busy mom, not a mom that sits and stares out the window dreaming of her child all day. I loved being pregnant and being able to protect her and be with her all day. Now I sit and I wonder what she would have been like and how it is being a busy mom. I sit and I wonder why me, why her. I sit and I wonder what good could possibly come from all of this and from our 2016.

2017 has a lot to live up to because 2016 was pretty great. But also I pray 2017 holds some answers and some hope for our family. I pray 2017 God would allow me to tell her story and to be her voice. I hope that somehow she can make a difference and change this world, no matter how big or small that difference may be. I pray that somehow I can make a difference and I can live out her legacy. I pray that we trust God every day in 2017 and that every day we can see little blessings. I see her in little things every day. In the sun shining bright, in the beautiful snow flakes, in the vast starry skies, in the beauty around us every day. I see her in her daddy’s laughter and his beautiful way of life. I see her in our love and I feel her in our hugs and our moments of remembering. I see her in his hope.

I feel her every day and I miss her every day. So here’s to 2017 and missing her every day but having the hope for tomorrow. Hope that God will lead us and guide us on this journey that only He sees, that only He orchestrates because He knows what’s best for us. Only He knows what is best for the Reuschels in 2017. Here’s to trusting.