What if I did something to cause this?
What if God doesn't love me and that is why this is happening?
What if God can't do it?
Life is full of a lot of "what ifs." I find myself asking myself that question a lot lately. Well, that was up until a few weeks ago. At the beginning of this journey that I am on, I asked God a lot of questions. I found myself through these questions doubting God and literally yelling at Him sometimes. I was angry. I didn't understand. The world was telling me all of these what ifs. Then a beautiful thing happened. My dad, who reads through the bible yearly, from cover to cover (he reads a little bit every morning while eating breakfast) came to a point in his reading where he found himself in Mark. Not by coincidence. The story was that of the demon possessed boy. Some of you know it but for those who don't, here is a quick summary.
There is a boy possessed by demons. Jesus's disciples are with the boy and his father and a bunch of people standing around. The disciples try to heal the boy but they cannot do it. Jesus was up on a mountain with Peter, James, and John. When they came down, they saw this big crowd. Jesus asked what was going on. The disciples say that they tried to heal the boy but they could not. Then the father told Jesus what was happening and the father says one thing that up until this point in my life, I never really thought anything about. Jesus asks the father how long he has been like this and the father says "Since he was a little boy. The spirit often throws him into the first or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can." Jesus's response hit me right between the eyes. He says, "What do you mean 'if I can'?. Boom. If.
Jesus then cast out the spirit, leaving the boy to appear dead. Jesus then walks over, takes the boy by the hand, helped him to his feet, and the boy stood up. The disciples asked why they couldn't heal the boy and Jesus replied "This kind can be cast out only by prayer."
"If I can?" I find myself thinking like the father a lot of the time. I know in my heart that Jesus can do anything. But I often find myself asking if he can on my behalf. Will you do this? If you can, i would appreciate it.
Some of you may not know, but on top of everything else, all of Faith's birth defects and chromosomal abnormalities, she is in the breech position. The doctors are telling us that a breech delivery with how small she is and how weak she is that it is very dangerous to the babies well being through delivery and if delivered breech, the odds of her not surviving through delivery are very high. We decided to not do a c-section as could lead to complications and effect Julie's health.
We asked the doctors what the chances are that she will flip around on her own and they said very low because she is bigger now and there is low amniotic fluid. I now find myself praying that God flip my baby so I can hear her cry, just once, one little cry.
Faith has flipped. God is reminding me that all of my doubts, all of my questions about what he would do, all of my ifs, can be put aside. He is with us, but more importantly, he is with my baby girl. He is capable of miracles and her flipping is a miracle.
I no long ask God if He can do it. He can, and He has.
Those of you that find yourself asking God hard questions, getting angry with Him, yelling at Him, and asking him "if you can", know that He can. And He will. The same God that placed all of the stars in the sky, created everything in His perfect image, moves mountains, feeds 5000, brings life up from the dead, loves you. Cares for you. Wants what's best for you. Never lose hope. Jesus takes away the ifs in our lives and crushes any doubt. He can do anything. Pray, trust, and love him. Because he does the same for you.