Losing a child is not something I thought would ever be a part of my story. Being a loss-mama is not something I ever thought I would have to live through. It’s a club I never wanted to join. When we said our vows 6 years ago, I never imagined the “Worse” of “For better or worse” would hurt this much. And when you get married you shouldn’t be thinking about the worse, you should be thinking about the better. But now I know, the best couples are those that can go through the worst together and come out stronger on the other side. Marry someone who will hold you when you cry, who will be strong when you can’t be and who will walk with you through the darkness.
Just 2 short years ago, I never thought I would smile again. I never thought the hurt would pass or that my heart would ever heal. There will ALWAYS be a hole in my heart the size of my little girl, but I am here to tell you that only through the grace of God did I smile again. I remember specific days and moments where the hurt was so strong, and my heart literally hurt and felt heavy and broken. There is no way I could have ever moved past those moments without God and knowing He was holding my girl.
Those moments are real and any one who is a part of this club can attest to the fact that those moments don’t just go away or get better quickly. But, God carries you through every day. He holds you on the days that hurt, and He reminds you it’s okay to hope for heaven. Hoping for heaven is what got me through many days, knowing I will hold my little girl again. Hoping for heaven doesn’t mean you stop living life here on earth, it just means I trust you God and I trust that my child is being taken care of, until I can take care of her again.
Slowly my heart began to heal, although it will never be healed completely. Certain days it is more healed than others. Certain moments and days it still hurts so incredibly much. Those days I have to allow myself grace to just be. To just sit, remember, cry, hurt. But to allow myself to be held by a God who cares and a God who sees me.
If you find yourself a part of this undesirable club, please don’t walk that road alone. When my husband and I began talking about starting Faith45, my heart just wanted to help. To help women who are sitting in the pain, to help families who are going through the raw emotions, to remind them they are not alone and to lift them up before our big, big God. I pray that God uses us to do just that and allows Faith45 to enter the homes that need it and to walk this road with those caught in the darkness.