Time
When I close my eyes and think back to that day, this is the moment I remember. Taking in every inch of you as you made your entrance in to this world, snuggling you close as you took your first breath, holding your sweet little hand in mine. I will forever cherish the moment you opened your sweet little eyes and looked up at your Daddy and I. This was the day I became a mama, November 15, 2016 at 5:01pm. I will never forget that day, as long as I live.
And what a day it was! Full of anticipation, excitement and joy. Lots of tears both happy and sad, lots of happiness and sorrow, joy and pain. One of the best days of my life! Followed by some of the hardest.
They say, “Time heals all wounds.” I am not sure I agree with that. When I close my eyes and I think about the end of that day and the days that followed, the pain is still there, my heart still hurts just as much as it did that day. But someone recently put it this way, “Time doesn’t magically heal the pain, it creates a distance between you and that heartbreak.”
Every day I think about my little girl, every day I wonder what it would be like to have a 2 year old running around, every day I wish I could see my two kids playing, every day I miss her. At times, I still get angry, but most of the time I am just sad. Sad about the moments, milestones, hopes and dreams I will miss with my first born. Sad that Elliott will not get to know his older sister and have a playmate who protects and loves on him. Sad that Chris won’t get to take her to a daddy daughter dance or walk her down the aisle. Sad that I don’t get to do her hair, dress her in way too much pink, and have those special mother-daughter moments.
It’s been 2 years. There are days that feels like just yesterday and there are days that it feels like a life time ago that I was holding my little girl. Sometimes I still can’t believe this is our story, this is the path God has us on. I would give anything to not be walking this path but instead to have a 2 year old living under my roof. I would give anything to be able to have more time, more moments, more memories with her.
But then I think about the birthday party she is having today, in the most amazing place that God has promised for us all and it makes days like today a little less painful. She gets to hear the birthday song from the angels and gets to celebrate in a place where there are no tears or sadness but only JOY!
To my sweet Faith –
Happy Birthday sweet girl! Your mama, daddy and brother love you more than you’ll ever know. Today we celebrate you and the miracle of your life here on earth. Enjoy your special day! I can’t believe you would have been 2 today.
If you see us crying today, it’s only because we love you so much! Our hearts are sad because we miss you so much. We know you are having an amazing time living with Jesus and we cannot wait to join you some day. But until then baby girl, please don’t ever forget how much we love you!
We are doing our best to share your story and be your voice here on earth. You have left quite a legacy and I will forever tell anyone who will listen about you, my sweet little girl, and the miracle God gave us the day you were born!